BAR HOPPING

I’ve been on the lookout for a good protein bar.   

Apparently I don’t get enough protein. That can happen when you don’t eat cows, much chicken, most dairy, or anything else that tastes good.

So about two months ago, I went to the health food store and asked the woman in the snack section which protein bars are the most popular. I figured people who actually eat them ought to know.  

She recommended five. “I eat (Bar 1) every day,” she said. “I like the dark chocolate.”

Well, of course, I thought, and picked up Bar 1.

“These are good, too,” she added, handing me four more options. 

They all have 12-14 grams of protein.  Which is good, I guess.  I don’t know how big a gram is.  I know 4 oz. of meat is a serving.    

(My husband just informed me there are approximately 28.5 grams in one ounce.  He knows this, he said, because in the Air Force, he weighed confiscated marijuana. Really, I said. I never knew this. The things you learn bar hopping.)

That day, for lunch, I opened Bar 1.  It had a sweet, waxy white frosting and tasted like a dense granola bar. Chewy, but gritty, like sawdust. But in a healthy kind of way.    

I ate only half before I was full. No kidding. It felt a bit heavy in my stomach. Not uncomfortable, just very filling.

I guess that’s what 7 grams of protein feels like. A brick.

I ate the other half a few days later, when I knew I’d be out running around for a while.  A little concrete in the gut would hold me for several hours.  And it did.   

A week later, I tried Bar 2.  It was gritty too, but more like potting soil. The bar was chocolate, so it looked like I was eating dirt. But the flavor was OK.  Again, I could eat only half.  

These bars are only 1.5 ounces, but I swear, they’re like eating a whole turkey. Never have I eaten so little and been so stuffed.  

That night, I ate the other half of Bar 2 for dinner.  Along with a banana.  Half an hour later, I was in my pj’s, dozing off.

I decided to wait a week before I had another bar. Two bars in ten days was too much.  How can people eat an entire bar every day?

The following week I tried Bar 3. Still couldn’t get the thing down in one sitting. I find this ridiculous.

The brand is fuco, with two dots over the ‘u’, which, unfortunately, I can’t figure out how to add here. Without those pronunciation marks, you might get into trouble asking for it in the store.

As protein bars go – now knowing they are a heavy, typically grainy product – this one is fairly good.

Bar 4 came in handy several weeks ago, when Mom was hospitalized after a fall. I strolled the halls and gnawed on this bar while Mom slept. It was the first protein bar I finished in one eating.  

But it took me an hour. 

I’ve decided you have to work up to these things. Kind of like jogging. You run a mile, and as you adjust to the soreness and exhaustion, you add another mile. It’s not really enjoyable, but it’s good for you, so you keep at it. 

I had Bar 5 last week. Another day of running errands, not knowing when I’d get a meal.  

A protein bar doesn’t really taste like a meal, but after you eat one, you’re not eager to eat anything else for a while. So it’s good to carry one when your schedule is off kilter. They’re wrapped so tight and are so solid, I think they would last for years.  

They’d be the food you’d want to take into a bomb shelter.  

I learned recently there are “dozens” of brands of protein bars out there. But, I think I’m done with exploring the options. I doubt any will taste like a Milky Way. 

My favorite (favorite is a relative term here) brand?

balance is really kind of OK.

A final note: they all taste better with a vanilla milkshake.