When Loved Ones Don’t Change (by Gary Thomas)

I thought this post by Gary Tomas was excellent, and I wanted to share it here.  

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Sometimes, in spite of our pleas, loved ones get into a rut and seem unable to change, or they simply refuse to change. Often, we respond by doubling down and tirelessly try to change them with even more pleading. But, what if God has other ways than through us to bring about change?

What doesn’t work:

The woman was adamant: “I just need to tell him what he’s doing wrong.”

I asked, “do you think he doesn’t know you think what he’s doing is wrong?”

“Oh, he knows, all right.”

“Then what’s the use of telling him what he already knows?”

This mom was frustrated with one of her sons. With a good heart and good intentions, she was bound and determined to “turn him around.” But sometimes in our determination, we lose all sense of logic. By her own admission, the person in question knew what she felt and thought. But, she thought what she needed to do to “change” him was to tell him (again) what she felt and thought.

I understand this frustration. I really do. When we are concerned about someone our natural thought is, “What can I do to save them?”

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try. It’s noble and godly that we want to get involved.

But sometimes we must recognize there are many ways for God to reach a person, and often those ways don’t involve us.

For instance: wives, you may have an ongoing issue with your husband. You have stated your feelings and concerns so often that as soon as you say the first sentence, your husband could give you, verbatim, your next ten sentences. And yet you continue to think that another “talk” will fix everything. There comes a time when we have to say, “Lord, apparently I’m not succeeding here. Would you please send someone he will listen to?” 

The same is true if you’re trying to reach a recalcitrant wife, or adult child. We naturally want to be part of the solution, but we must learn to love the solution more than we love being part of it.

This means, at times we simply have to wait for God to bring about the solution.

That’s not easy to do. It’s excruciating at times, so here are four truths that give us hope while we wait.

1. Remember that God loves this person more than you do. He isn’t blind to what’s going on. You don’t have to convince Him that something needs to be done. He’s already on it.

2. Remember that God knows this person better than you do.  If you can’t get through to them, God doesn’t throw up his hands in despair and say, “Well, I guess I’m out of options.” Have faith that God can/will engineer another avenue of revelation.

3. Remember that God created glaciers. In Sacred Influence, I interview a wife who loved her husband well for over two decades before he became a believer. I’ve talked to parents whose children terrified them with their actions until years later, they finally submitted to God and became active workers in His kingdom. Any approach you take toward change has to be something you can do for the long-haul. God created glaciers, perhaps to show us the beauty of movement that is all but impossible to see while it’s happening.

4. Remember that as long as you are fixated on being the only solution, you become blind to the fact that there are things about you that need to fixed as well. Focus on those things. Maybe you’re only 5% of the problem – focus on your 5%. 

There aren’t easy things to remember. It’s painful to intercede for someone and sense God replying, “You’ve done what you can. Leave this in my hands.” These truths, however, can help us at least move in that direction.

We must acknowledge God as God and accept that His solution may not involve us.

Blessings, 

Gary Tomas, GaryThomas.com

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